I once wrote a paper about suicide in America, and one thread kept showing up in the research: loneliness. Not just being alone, but the feeling that you don’t belong anywhere, and no one would notice if you disappeared.
I didn’t grow up with that kind of loneliness. Back home, hardship was real, but isolation was rare. Kids from different blocks played together. Men gathered and told stories. Community wasn’t a hobby; it was survival. There were a few cases of suicide because it was even considered taboo: if you died by your own hands, they would take a stick and flog your dead body because it was shameful.
In America, this gloom of loneliness eats people from the inside out; we live car-only, work-only, and home-only kind of lives. And when life breaks us, we often break in private. But loneliness is more than just a lifestyle and causes a lot of trouble then and now:
That’s why some young people join gangs, not only for money or status, but to feel power and a belonging they don’t feel individually. When a person feels invisible, they’ll attach themselves to anything that makes them feel seen.
There is the loneliness of leadership, too, the loneliness of being the one at the top of the totem pole. People come to you for answers. They lean on you for strength. And you get lonely because you can’t lower your standards just to keep people comfortable.
There is the loneliness of marriage: two people under one roof, two rings, one name, but still not on the same page. You can be committed and still feel alone.
There is the loneliness of knowing God, as Elijah did. Jezebel threatened his life, and he ran into the wilderness and hid in a cave. It is a wonder to see strong men running away because some woman is on the rampage. You are no longer living in the valley; you live in a cave; your comfort is gone. When you have been strong for everyone else, but you have nothing left for yourself, even faith can feel like a lonely road.
And there is the loneliness of being favored, like Joseph. His father loved him openly, and that favor stirred hatred in his brothers’ hearts. They threw him into a pit: Jealousy of someone’s position, someone’s praise, and someone’s profession. They sold him for twenty pieces of silver. He ended up in Egypt, and even there, his faithfulness continued to get him into trouble because his master’s wife lusted after him: he was betrayed, wrongly accused, and imprisoned. Sometimes you can do the right thing and still end up isolated.
What is the cause of this mass loneliness?
Well, with this system of individualism, people tend to focus more on themselves than others. Due to living with this idea of “Lifting myself out of my own bootstraps“, people lose that little part of themselves when they do not get the accolade that they thought they merited. This shatters many people’s spirits because everyone wants to be applauded, everyone wants to be in the limelight, and when we do not get what we mostly desire, it angers us.
So much disappointment runs rampant in us because we want to be loved so much; we seek attention feverishly, and when we do not get loved as we ought to, we retaliate. Even people in marriage do not get the love they think they ought to get. One reason relationships fracture is that many of us were taught to chase events (the wedding, the title, the upgrade) more than the daily practice (patience, repair, humility). The number of divorces peaks because people want the wedding but not the marriage.
People want to get something, but they do not care how to keep it. We look at life from a one-sided angle. We think marriage says, “Sunshine and rainbows, here we go!” So, does everything else!
Some of the loneliness comes as a consequence of so many expectations. We rely on things we can get instead of the job we can do. We love the money, without worrying about becoming better at our jobs. And when that promotion we once expected does not hit, we retaliate. We think that we deserve better (Sometimes, we do). But most of the time, we set the bar too high!
Some of the loneliness comes from comparison. We like to put our image next to others and see if they match. Kids who were raised by poor parents tend to compare themselves to other kids. When they feel like their parents are failures, they feel worthless, like their own parents are shameful and spiteful. We hide our own values by comparing ourselves to others. This makes us feel like we are not worth living. That’s why people, in their 30s, are still blaming their parents for their own failures. “Why are you not successful?” If you ask someone, the response will likely be, “Because of my parents!” Yes, we see other parents plan a better future for their offspring, and we think that our parents are not worthy to have us. Hence, we hide our faces because we are ashamed of our family. Every parent’s cry is to raise their children better and provide for their needs. Sometimes, life just happens, where parents are not in a position to fill our demands. Yes, sometimes parents are irresponsible. I know some boys who go state to state, sleeping with women and leaving trails of babies behind whom they cannot take care of. If those babies blamed their parents in the future, well, they’d be right!
Some of the loneliness stems from being a Parent. Having children whom you are obliged to care for and tend to for the rest of their lives. Sometimes, children have this entitlement that no matter what happens, parents are supposed to support them. Despite their worst behavior, they feel entitled. Sometimes, we are embarrassed by our own children whom we bore. Others may be proud of their kids if they turned out well, successful, and parents feel proud to have such a family. But some parents feel like failures to see how their kids turned out. If the kids turned out as failures, we play this blame game. A father might blame his wife for failed kids; so does the mother, vice versa. We play this blame game because we cannot take responsibility for our own failures. We tend to feel lonely because of this feeling of being a failure.
How to cure this Loneliness?
There is this metaphysical notion. Humans are not simply bodies, but we have bodies and spirits. The body wants to go left while the Spirit wants us to go right. There is this tension inside of us. We all have this gap, this void that cannot be filled. I have something in my heart that nothing on this Earth can satisfy. If I drowned myself in women, just out to satisfy the desires of my own flesh, I would not be satisfied. If I drowned myself in the expectation of being rich, I would not enjoy my work. If I drowned my desires, in my family, people in whom I am proud to have, and they can turn on me and do something stupid that would throw me off board.
We cannot satisfy the desires of our hearts, and that makes us lonely. We compare ourselves to others to feel good about ourselves. We bring others down to feel lifted and motivated. Sometimes, this comparison makes us feel miserable all the more. The desires of our hearts can be the enemy. Even when we do the right things, we do it for our own sake. There is this loud-speaking voice at the core of our hearts, “Me Me Me.” Even when we claim love, we claim it to be in control. Even people who live together feel like they have to have their partners under their thumbs; that is why there is much manipulation in the battle of marriage. If you ask a Divorce Attorney, “What is the leading cause of divorce?” They would tell you, “lack of communication!” People talk, talk, talk because they love their desires to be heard, but are not ready to listen to the other party. Even when we go to Church to worship, we are not concerned about listening; we are concerned about being heard instead. Imagine going to a doctor and pour down your symptoms and not willing to sit and listen to the causes of your malady. How can a doctor find you a probable cure? Yet, if we do it to God, there is nothing that can stop us from doing it to each other.
We care much for ourselves, instead of the other people. Due to that, we suffer much. We pour out our desires that cannot be satisfied to others. We fill their cups to the brim without worrying about taking out some for ourselves. When people to whom we pour out our sorrow are not responsive, we feel miserable and blame them. We want to fulfill the desires of the self. Potiphar’s wife wanted to fill the lust of her flesh by pouring it out to Joseph, but Joseph was not responsive. Potiphar’s wife, due to the expectation, was utterly disappointed and threw Joseph into jail.
There is something I tend to agree with in Christianity and Buddhism. Both religions agree that there is something wrong with humanity: unbridled desires to be satisfied without the need to give back in return. That’s where Pride and Greed stem from. Greed says, “I want to have everything!” Proud, “I want to be everything; if I get everything, then I will be happy!” The human heart is never satisfied. Now, Christianity says, “Desires can be controlled!” but Buddhism says, “Let’s get rid of desire altogether!” We need desire. If I desire to have beautiful children, I am not wrong, but that desire needs to be controlled. Yes, I want to have children, but not outside of marriage. I want to have children, but I need to know how to raise my own babies. But this tension, between desire and control is what makes us normal and satisfy. For instance, having a sexual desire is normal, but too much of it, where you only want to satisfy yourself, you will do it at the expense of others! (Potiphar’s wife example still applies here).
We love for the sake of ourselves instead of loving for the sake of others. We all want the same love that we give, but when we do not get it back, we feel burned and discouraged. But serving others, for the sake of serving, without having an angle, is the right thing to do. That is the cure for loneliness. There is a Chinese quote saying, “If you do not have shoes, find the man who does not have legs!” Caring for those who cannot care for themselves can be a huge duty for human’ loneliness. Some Psychiatrist suggests that people, especially those who have suffered a heartbreak or divorce, buy a pet. Now, that pet alone cannot be the cure for someone’s loneliness (well, after all, it does not speak nor do anything), but the care that you pour into it, is what makes you feel less and less lonely because you have something to aspire to, something you can pour all your love into without worrying about getting something in return.
We can love, whether our children or partner, or neighbors, without a conditional love (with agape love). Love without worrying about getting something back in return. Love for the sake of loving. And this, even God understands, is the meaning of love and cure for loneliness. Now, you can ask, “What does God know about our loneliness if He is only relaxing in heaven? Does he understand the struggle and pain which we suffer when we try to love the unlovable?”
Does He understand the pain of a child born in Palestine without a room in the inn?
Does He understand the loneliness of a man who is socially isolated because his hands are calloused with common labor and has been denied decent society?
Does God know about the loneliness, for example, of a man being expelled from a city, disowned and deserted by his own people?
Does He know the Loneliness of feeling, say, doubts; doubts even about religion, even the doubts of crying out, “Why hast Thou forsaken Me?
Does he know about these things? These are good questions.
Now, suppose there was a figure that came to swallow this loneliness and so immersed himself in it that he would not immunize himself from it? Would not cut himself off from it? Would you be the only one who was whole on a battlefield and not help any of the wounded?
Suppose someone came into this loneliness and took it all and was not overcome by it, but conquered it all! Then what?
Then even when I am lonely now and then but I would not be overcome by it! Because I have a captain who will not cease to press a celestial command. A Captain who stumbled upon a throne! 1
Loneliness shrinks when love becomes a habit, not a transaction.
- Sheen Fulton, Life is Worth Living. Episode 7, Loneliness. ↩︎