One thing that I have noticed in my African community is that young women grow up and are taught to desire to be married. The relationship dynamics between boyfriend and girlfriend are not considered to be a relationship. Now, I think that is a wonderful thing, yet the problem is not desiring to be married; the problem comes when marriage becomes a formality. “Oh, I just want to be married for the sake of being married,” or, “I just want to be married to just please people, “I want to have a ring so that I can flash it in front of people without the need of being faithful.” We desire good things, but just as often, for the wrong reason. Due to that, we suffer because we pray for rain, but we forget that rain comes with the mud.
We often assume desire becomes dangerous only when it turns toward evil. Scripture suggests otherwise. Many people in the Bible did not fall because they loved wickedness, but because they tried to seize goodness without trust, patience, or surrender.
The tragedy is not the desire itself. The tragedy is how we handle it.
Abraham and Hagar
Abraham wanted a son. God had promised one. But waiting became unbearable. So Abraham reached for a shortcut. Ishmael was not born out of rebellion, but out of impatience. Wanting God’s promise without God’s timing created lifelong conflict. God promised him to give him children, but Abraham, who is called the “Father of Faith”, grew tired of waiting due to his old age. His wife, Sarah, took her slave and asked him to sleep with her, and he did. He could have said, “NO,” but he also was not trusting God patiently.
Wanting good things the wrong way often comes from fear:
Fear that God will delay too long.
Fear that obedience will cost too much.
Fear that if we do not take control, we will lose everything.
So we reach for the low hanging fruit.
We force relationships that are inappropriate
We rush callings and manipulate the outcomes, and when our plans fail, we become confused, “But I wanted something good.” Here, desire is not the Enemy, but the unsubmitted desire is.
Sometimes what kills us is not sin itself, but that addiction of relief: We want peace, validation, love, rest, meaning, which are all good. But when these needs are unmet, desire stops asking and starts demanding. We become entitled and think that God and people owe us something. The soul starts saying, “I deserve this now!” When we do not get it now, like children, we throw a tantrum.
God is not threatened by our desires. He is concerned with how we carry them. What we seize too early on, we often can sustain. Sometimes, it is easy to get something, but not easy to keep it. Sometimes, God makes us wait so that when we get to his promise, we will be able to keep it.
As James wrote,
You desire but do not have, so you kill.
You covet, but you cannot get what you want,
So you quarrel and fight.
You do not have because you do not ask God.
When you ask, you do not receive,
because you ask with wrong motives,
that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.1
- James 4:2-3 ↩︎